For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.2 Timothy 1:7
Labor & Delivery
May 15, 2019 was by far the hardest yet most rewarding days of my life. On this day I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl Chloe Elisabeth but also came to know Jesus’s position from the cross in a whole different light.
As I cried out in pain in the delivery room from the contractions that I was having I was reminded of the words Jesus cried out from the cross, ” Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” which is interpreted as, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 15:34). I too cried out in utter pain, exhaustion, and just plain defeat while laboring for the birth of our daughter. The enemy had been whispering to me, “you can’t do this”, “just give up”, etc. the entire time I was in that room. I have to admit that I slipped in to a place of defeat momentarily and I began to even speak the things he wanted me to believe as I repeated over and over “I can’t do this.”
You always hear people say that giving birth is the closest you’ll come to death in your life and I can attest that while I felt the pain, my spirit was more crushed than anything. I went through my entire pregnancy fighting fear that the enemy was trying to place in my heart about delivery, whether I would be a good mom, whether I deserved to be a mom after former decisions in life, etc..; I told God that I trusted Him and the devil fully intended to test that proclamation to the fullest.
Leading up to my delivery I made a playlist to listen to and printed affirmation cards to read during the process and neglected all of it during the process because I was allowing the enemy to chip away at all the I had believed that I established in Christ before going in to labor. I cried out to God in prayer during the contractions and asked for some relief and help to carry on and they seemed to get worse and my hope was dwindling down, which is when I began to further question myself and my relationship with God. Why wasn’t he helping me? What had I done to Him? I had to have done something right?
After Chloe was finally born, I struggled with my engagement with her momentarily because of the rough labor and delivery. They gave her to me and I don’t believe I looked at her until everyone else stopped touching me and I was able to come back from whatever headspace I ended up in during the process and I began to weep. I wept for the pain, I wept for fear of the future, but most importantly I wept because the word of God given to me by a prophet many years ago had come true and I was a mama. My mother and Josh said that they were so relieved to see me cry because during the entire process there were no tears but only screams of agony and verbal plights to God to help me through it because I couldn’t do it on my own.
After coming home from the hospital I spent some time in what felt like the darkest of places. It being day 9 of Chloe’s life, I recall sitting on the bed boohooing and crying while Chloe screamed and I read Job out loud to no one it seemed like because I was just spent. My daughter was crying because my breast milk hadn’t come all the way in yet, I was unhappy, and I still couldn’t understand why it felt like God was so distant; needless to say, He wasn’t but I was allowing my circumstances to make it feel that way. I remember telling my mom and Josh that I wasn’t depressed but in the moments of darkness and what felt like separation was exactly where I could see that so many women allow the enemy to walk in and implant those spirits of depression, anxiety, suicide, etc. and all because we ourselves allowed our emotions to dictate where we thought God was in our lives or rather how far we thought He was away from the situation.
For all of my mama’s that experience those places, trust that I know exactly where you are, but what I need you to know is that it’s a lie. The devil is a pure liar! You are not depressed, you are not anxious, and you are not suicidal because God did not give you those spirits but of power, love, and a sound mind, which is literally the exact opposite. See what the enemy attempts to do it to pervert everything that God has done and make it in to something that can help him suck you in to the darkness and ultimately separate you from/turn you away from God and His light. Something that I suggest during this time is reading Job, honestly, his story, although not pregnancy related, was so powerful because his sufferings weren’t God inflicted but a test implemented on him to see if he would do exactly what God trusted him to do and he did! Something else I recommend is meditating on the word of God, which in the Hebrew means to SPEAK the word of God. The bible says that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17) and this is honestly where I messed up during my delivery because I nixed my affirmation cards (I’ll insert them below) and just allowed myself to suffer and be tormented by the enemy in the process. Lastly, and most importantly, even when it looks like God isn’t there, don’t allow your natural thoughts to supersede your spiritual understanding. God will never leave you nor will he forsake you, but understand that in the process it doesn’t always feel like that because as natural beings we tend to look at situations with our natural eyes instead of the spiritual and allow ourselves to get flustered over a test that our teacher is just being quiet for. Hang in there mamas!